THE GOLDEN RECORD

Excerpt of statement made by US President Carter, placed on Voyager spacecraft which were launched into space in 1977:

"We cast this message into the cosmos ... of the 200 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy, some - perhaps many - may have inhabited planets and space faring civilizations. If one such civilization intercepts Voyager and can understand these recorded contents, here is our message...we hope some day, having solved the problems we face, to join a community of Galactic Civilizations. This record represents our hope and our determination and our goodwill in a vast and awesome universe."

A group of blue creatures sat round a green fire on a rocky plain. 100 metres due east of where these creatures - the Fugglewumps - sat, lay a space probe which had crash-landed on their planet earlier that evening. Upon opening it, the Fugglewumps had discovered that the probe contained a golden record.
"How the Frogging Belgium are we supposed to play this?" asked Wumpyflumpy, waving the record around angrily. "Vinyl went out years ago. Have they not heard of the OuterNet?"
Gumpy snatched the record from Wumpyflumpy and bit it carefully with his septic grapple. "Actually, it's not vinyl," he announced. "It's made of gold-plated copper."
"Copper? Vinyl?  Who cares!" said Wumpyflumpy aggressively. He did not like being contradicted.
"Some of the Flaggle people on the Ossory Peninsula still use records," Hoggle pointed out. "I've got an adaptor which I bought off them for two rints."
Chunty barely stifled his scorn. "Pass it over here," he said to Gumpy. "I've got a triple-fladged mega-Doldy quattro 8D vinyl-to-bonse adaptor in my front ear - I can tell you what's on it."
Gumpy passed the record carefully to Ripplewink, who passed it carefully to Flad, who passed it gingerly to Squidge, who chucked the record over to Chunty. Chunty snatched it out of the air with his second throbbing hobble. He quickly attached the record to his front ear and went into a trance.
"So what's on it?" Wumpyflumpy asked impatiently. "What does it say?"
"It's from a planet called Earth," Chunty said as the data on the record rolled into his translatory orifice and out of his dumplings. "It appears to contain greetings in several languages...one of them says we greet you, great ones. We wish you longevity."
"At least they're polite," Flad pointed out.
Chunty continued relaying the messages from Earth. "Another one says friends of space, how are you all? Have you eaten yet? Come visit us if you have time."
"Have you eaten yet?" Ripplewink mocked. "Are they inviting us to go and eat them?"
Flad laughed. "What else does the record contain?" she asked Chunty.
"Some music," Chunty replied, "a rather odd collection of images...and various sounds which I presume are examples of what the Earthlings encounter on a daily basis."
"Let's have a look!" cried Hoggle excitedly, standing on his hind pottage and holding out a hand he'd found somewhere. Chunty tossed the record over. Hoggle sat down and checked out the contents of the record himself.
Everybody else fell silent and huddled closer to the fire. It was a cold night.
"There's no Kenny Loggins!" Hoggle eventually declared, breaking the silence. He was aghast. "Why would anybody send a record out into space and not include Kenny Loggins?!"
"Perhaps Kenny Loggins hadn't been invented when the probe was launched," Chunty ventured.
"What's a Kenny Loggins?" asked Wumpyflumpy, who was none the wiser.
"Ignorant dolt," mumbled Gavelwink, who had remained sullen and silent until this point. He lapsed back into his sullen silence. 
Hoggle was tutting and shaking his wimpeys. "Fancy including recordings of mud pots and a tame dog, but no Kenny Loggins. Are these Earthlings insane?"
"There are recordings of mud pots?" Squidge could not hide his disbelief.
"What - is - a - Kenny - Loggins?" Wumpyflumpy repeated, getting angry.
"You wouldn't understand," Chunty said patiently. "I'll explain when you're older."
"But I'm nearly four hundred!" Wumpyflumpy protested.
"Exactly," muttered a particularly old and rosey Fugglewump called Darren. He itched his flippers.
Suddenly Hoggle nearly wet himself laughing.
"What's the matter with him?" asked Gavelwink, casting a weary glance over at Hoggle.
"Human sex organs!" Hoggle sobbed, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. "There are pictures on this record of human sex organs!"
Everybody got up then and wanted to have a look at the record. They tossed it around, along with Hoggle's adaptor, and one by one the Fugglewumps fell about laughing as the record was passed from one Fugglewump to another. Before long, all seventeen of the Fugglewumps around that fire were rolling around on the floor, wetting themselves - literally - and crying with laughter.
Eventually, after several failed attempts, Hoggle managed to manoeuvre himself into an upright position and to stop crying for long enough to speak. "If you want to make contact with alien races, why on Earth would you send recordings of a tame dog and pictures of your sexual organs?" They all fell about laughing again - even Wumpyflumpy, who was not sure what his older companions were talking about.
"And no Kenny Loggins!" Darren added, crying so much that he nearly passed out.
Eventually - after about an hour - the mirth died down and the Fugglewumps dragged themselves back to the warmth of the fire. The golden record lay discarded on the floor next to Chunty's dumplings.
"What shall we do with this?" he asked eventually, picking up the record and twirling it idly with his fadgel.
"Lob it on the fire," Gavelwink suggested.
So he did.
It did not burn very well, but glowed a nice colour.
The Fugglewumps fell silent. Mostly. Apart from the odd giggle.
Hoggle shook his head again. 
"No Kenny Loggins," he mumbled, with a chuckle. "What were they thinking?"

***

The Golden Record, which was sent out amongst the stars on the Voyager space craft, really did include the messages as relayed above, the sounds of mud pots and a tame dog, and pictures of human sexual organs, amongst other things. But, as far as I am aware, no Kenny Loggins.