Captain Berk stood on the bridge of his starship, hands on hips, staring at an image of a Blobulon Mega-Battlecruiser on the view screen. The alien ship was massive, coming at them very fast and equipped with more fire-power than a Solihull resident had jewellery.
This was not good.
It was not good at all.
Berk threw himself down into his Captain's chair and called out to his First Officer.
"Spank! Your assessment please."
First Officer Spank had not heard the Captain. Spank was too busy doing something with his iTricordapad.
"Spank!" the Captain called again.
Spank looked around, momentarily disorientated.
"Sorry Captain. I was just uploading photos of that nebula we passed last week to my Facebonk page."
Berk was not impressed. "Never mind that," said the Captain, pointing at the screen. "We've got trouble."
Spank turned to look at the screen. "Ah...yes."
The First Officer was about to say something else when his iTricordapad bleeped. He fiddled with it for a moment. "Cool...I just got a text from Lieutenant Hubba-hubba!"
Berk rolled his eyes and started to go red in the face. "For freck's sake - she's only five feet away from you!"
"Indeed." Spank turned to look at the hot babe sat in the corner. She winked at him. Spank winked back and wiggled his pointy ears.
Captain Berk thumped the arm of his chair. "Turn your iTricordapad off and concentrate!" he bellowed. "This is serious! That goes for everybody!"
There were some hastily mumbled apologies, followed by a lot of shuffling about as the crew put their tablet-cum-phonecorders on silent and shoved them in their handbags, man-bags and shmemly-vulcoid-bags. Then finally everybody faced the view screen at the front of the bridge and paid attention.
A bulb on the computer console in front of Second Officer Solo began to flash.
"The aliens are powering up their weapons, Captain," Solo reported.
Captain Berk knew what to do next. "Red alert," he commanded. "Raise shields, charge weapons and prepare to fire."
Solo got to his feet, stretched his tired muscles, yawned and began to head for the door.
Berk's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "Where the jumping freck do you think you're going?"
Solo pointed at the clock. "My shift has ended," he replied. "I've got to pick up my daughter from her swimming lesson on B Deck, and the missus wants me back promptly tonight because she's going out with some of the girls."
Despite increasingly blue protests from Captain Berk, Solo left the bridge.
His first stop was at the ship's lavatory on P Deck.
"Looks like I found the Captain's log again," he sighed, looking down the pan. He flushed it away, then dropped his pants and set about making himself comfortable on the throne.
A few moments later the ship started to shudder violently. Hostilities had started.
Solo hung on extra tightly as the ship withstood a barrage of alien gunfire.
Before long the electricity failed, the lights went out and Solo was left to do his business in the dark.
"Well, at least I don't have to worry about the door swishing open every time somebody walks past," he observed, to nobody in particular.
Up on the bridge, things were in disarray. There was no power and the crew were trying to pilot the ship in total darkness.
"My computer isn't working," shouted one officer, "and I can't get hold of the IT department!"
"Have you tried switching it off and on again at the wall?" shouted another.
This went on for a couple of minutes.
When the lights finally came back up, the full extent of the damage became evident. The Captain's glass of orange juice had spilled all over the floor and he could not find his teddy bear or his Fab Lolly anywhere. Peanuts and popcorn were scattered all over the place. Lieutenant Hubba-hubba's vanity mirror had shattered. First Officer Spank was hastily zipping up his trousers, while the Lieutenant was hurriedly returning to her station, adjusting her skirt and tidying up her hair.
But all eyes were on the view screen.
The Blobulon Mega-Battlecruiser was by now so close that the crew could see one of the aliens sticking his head out of a porthole and making rude hand signals at them. He even appeared to be blowing raspberries.
"How much more of this can we stand?" asked Captain Berk.
"Not much," growled Spank, rolling up his sleeves and flexing his muscles. "I want to beam over there and twat the smug git."
"Talking of beaming up..." Berk flipped on his communicator. "Shipman Twott? This is Captain Berk speaking. Please beam up all officers who are down on the planet, without delay."
In the Starship's teleport suite, Shipman Twott put down his cheeseburger and set about beaming the crew back aboard the ship. He adjusted a few controls, but then just as he hit the big green 'Go!' button, the ship lurched again, and instead of beaming some of the crew up, he found a very red faced and butt-naked Second Officer Solo trying to rag one out in the transporter.
"Oops, sorry!" cried Shipman Twott.
He quickly hit the 'Go!' button again. Second Officer Solo promptly disappeared, to be replaced by all the crew members who had been down on the planet's surface. One was balancing a pint of Grimulan Ale on his nose, while a second was wearing a gimp suit, another was dressed as a smurf and several others were making the-beast-with-five-backs (from Metebelis 3).
"Hey!" shouted the smurf. He looked annoyed. "I thought you were meant to warn us first!"
Meanwhile on the bridge, Captain Berk was on his feet, punching the air in victory.
They had blown the aliens to oblivion. On the view screen there was nothing left of the Blobulon Mega-Battlecruiser, just debris: twisted metal, red goo, the odd cushion and a tin of pineapple chunks.
"We did it!" Berk cried, jubilant.
But First Officer Spank was not listening again. He was pulling a face and looking around with suspicion. "By freck - what's that smell?" he wondered.
Berk heard a wet, farty noise behind him, and turned to find Second Officer Solo taking a dump in the Captain's chair.
Second Officer Solo smiled sheepishly.
"I think I've just gone where no one has gone before..." he said.
